你是“Askhole”吗？ / Are You an Askhole?

你是“Askhole”吗？

一位新加坡朋友最近告诉我一个英文新词（至少对我来说是个新词）：

Askhole（爱问鬼）；

意思是一个老爱向别人征求建议，却又不听建议，老是对着干的人。

我不清楚这个词是不是新加坡人发明的，新加坡的英语口语带有明显的地方特色（比如很多英语句子以“啦”结尾，说数字常用“40-over”代替“over 40”、“forty-plus”或者“more than forty”。我很怀疑“askhole”这个词是不是新加坡人发明的，原因很简单，因为这种行为在全世界都很普遍。

我马上就能想起很多认识的“askholes”。我敢肯定，股票经纪人、律师也很快就能想起一大票“askholes”客户，更不用说那些管理顾问、咨询师、教师、父母等等——他们全都遭遇过askholes。

显然，“askhole”一词的诙谐之处就在于它和另外一个英文单词很接近，只不过它用“k”替换了那个词中的“s”。至于那个词，我们被告知在文明的公司里是禁用的，但如果开车有人突然加塞儿或者做出其他危险驾驶举动，禁令就可以暂时解除。

与那个不敬之辞搭上关系让“askhole”一词自动蒙上了贬义色彩。但另一方面，我要站出来为全世界的“askhole”辩护，因为无论是不是为了征求意见，都有很多理由可以支持多多提问。

假如某人经常问我的意见，又回回都反其道而行之，我想到了一定阶段我肯定会关上“免费建议”的开关，但这也要看程度和情形。有些人在接受忠告时面临着巨大的挑战。想想那些患强迫症的赌徒、瘾君子、酗酒者，或者精神错乱患者。有时我们忘了他们也是人，而且还经常要和严重的疾病抗争。

但我主要还是想为多提问题唱赞歌。

很多人害怕提问，担心自己的问题听上去很蠢，让人觉得自己也很蠢。这种恐惧就像警察发出的罪犯“通缉令”一样，是每个人的心腹大患。但害怕提问是学习的大敌，值得指出、引起注意并解决，除非你想一直当个傻瓜。一开始我们大家都是傻瓜，但如果不敢提问，就会一直这样傻下去。

我觉得这种恐惧普遍存在，在很多社会，人们都需要在某个时刻克服这种恐惧。但在某些“面子”问题更加重要和复杂的文化中，所要面临的挑战就更大。

我在家庭和学校的成长过程中学会了很多，对我的个人定形和价值观的形成造成了极大的影响。我也有幸——在企业和非赢利组织中——与一些优秀的导师共事过。有时因为年龄和级别的差异，很容易在工作中界定导师和学生的身份。但很多时候，情况并非如此。身边的各色人等都是潜在的导师，也许他们还没有意识到。

这些都要通过你的提问去发现，而学习成果的差异就好比蒸汽机车与高铁的区别。有些人可能青睐老式蒸汽机的节奏，但在当今高度竞争、浓缩的世界中，我宁愿选择学习的快车道。家庭和学校为我们提供了很多知识，但大量学习还要靠提问，包括问愚蠢的问题。

顺便说一句，这并不会让你成为“askhole”。

正如我最爱对年轻朋友和同事们说的，只有没问出口的问题才是愚蠢的问题。

Are You an Askhole?

A friend of mine in Singapore recently sent me this new (to me, anyway) English word and its definition:

Askhole;

a person who constantly asks for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them

I’m not sure if this word was invented in Singapore, which has its own distinctive brand of spoken English (e.g. ending many English sentences with “lah”; and expressing numbers such as “40-over” rather than “over 40”, “forty-plus”, or “more than forty”. I doubt “askhole” was invented in Singapore, simply because the behavior is so widespread around the world.

It didn’t take me long to think of a few askholes that I know. I’m sure stock brokers and lawyers can quickly think of dozens of askholes from among their clientele. That’s not to mention management consultants, counsellors, teachers, parents, and so on -- all of whom have dealt with askholes.

Obviously the intended humor surrounding this word derives from its close similarity to another English word in which the “k” in “askhole” is replaced by an “s”. That’s a word we were taught not to use in polite company, although that rule may be suspended while driving your car, if some other driver suddenly cuts in front of you or engages in some other stupidly dangerous driving.

The similarity with that not-so-polite word automatically gives “askhole” a negative connotation. On the other hand, I would rise to the defense of the askholes of the world, because I think there’s a lot to be said in favor of asking lots of questions, whether in search of advice or otherwise.

If someone really asked my advice often and then did the opposite every time, I guess I would be inclined to turn off the “free advice” switch at some point. It’s a matter of degree and situation. Some people face very big challenges when trying to take good advice. Think of compulsive gamblers, drug addicts, alcoholics, or people suffering from mental disorders. We sometimes forget that they’re people too, often struggling with a serious illness.

But my main point here is to sing the praise of asking questions in general.

Most people are afraid to ask questions in case they might sound like dumb questions, which makes the asker in turn sound like a dumb person. This fear should be on everyone’s “Most Wanted” list, like the list of criminals “most wanted” by the police. This fear of asking questions is a major enemy of learning. It deserves to be identified, captured, and executed. Unless you prefer to stay dumb, which is how we all start out and how you will remain if you’re afraid to ask questions.

I think this is a universal fear which people in most societies have to overcome at some point. The challenge is greater in cultures where “face” is a relatively bigger or more complex issue.

I learned a lot growing up at home and in school, which had a big impact on shaping who I am and what values I hold dear. I have also been fortunate to have worked -- in business as well as non-profit organizations -- alongside some great mentors. Sometimes, due to the difference in age and rank, it’s obvious who is the mentor and who is the mentee in a working relationship. But lots of times it’s not. All sorts of people around you are potential mentors, and they may not even realize it.

It’s up to you to explore, by asking questions. The difference in your learning results might be compared to an old steam locomotive versus today’s high speed railway trains. Some people may prefer the pace of the old-fashioned steam engines, but in today’s super competitive, shrink-wrapped world, I’d opt for the faster learning track. A lot will come from home, and school; but beyond that, a huge amount depends on you asking questions, including dumb ones.

That doesn’t make you an askhole, by the way.

As I am fond of saying to younger friends and colleagues, the only dumb question is the one you don’t ask.